I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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