So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
