Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
