I wish my penis had an off switch
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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