So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
