Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
