I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Duck Duck Cougar?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
