She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
