Where did you get a picture of my penis
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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