she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Dignity is for republicans.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
