Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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