Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
please don't ironically join a cult
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