i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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