I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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