my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
