I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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