You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
