**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
