I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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