So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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