i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
