I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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