I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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