Capitaan dildo arrescate!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
