I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
