Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You have to summon your inner elephant
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
