Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
