I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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