Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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