so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
