my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize