I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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