If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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