Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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