I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Randomize
