I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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