When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
