god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
