She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
