So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
