Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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