Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
