She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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