just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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