I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
