I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
