ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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