I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize