Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just took my morning after pill in the library
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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