He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
