i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
