i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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