im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
