If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
