I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize
