You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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