okay pat passed out under dana's car
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
