Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize