To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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