Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
