is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
