He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize